Reality Is Sinking In…

Well, I think the shock of my initial diagnosis is starting to wear off and it’s not pretty.  I could rival a teenage girl with the myriad of emotions I feel in a span of 15 minutes.  Laughing one minute then crying the next has become my new normal.  And I feel like in this house full of boys, it’s easy to win the ‘one of these is not like the others’ game.

This morning I spent time with 3 of my closest friends.  We sat on the couch and simply downloaded all of the most recent information.  It’s one thing to have talked and texted about it, but it’s a whole other thing to physically hug each other and be in the presence of friends who really love you.  Have I mentioned how much I love my people?   The Lord has truly blessed me with the most amazing support team, and I already feel so protected, so loved, so cared for, and so covered in prayer.  It was a great way to recharge and refuel for the appointment I had this afternoon.

Around 3pm today, Trevor and I went to see a plastic surgeon who specializes in reconstructive surgery as we explore which treatment option we will choose.  Let me just say that I was completely overwhelmed after that.  The physician could NOT have been nicer and more informative, but halfway through the appointment I found myself thinking, “this really can’t be happening to me.”  I tried to stay focused and present as the doctor spoke, but at some point I think I zoned out.  It’s funny to me how your brain literally knows when it’s had enough and it shuts down.  Like SHUTS DOWN.  (That’s why you always bring back up people to your appointments.)  Not only do I need to decide IF I am going to have a mastectomy, but also what TYPE of reconstruction to have.  Apparently there are several types of reconstruction approaches to choose from as well.  Who knew?  I think it’s like when you go into a bakery for a simple chocolate chip cookie and they offer you about 10 different varieties of chocolate chip cookies (I’m looking at you, J.D.’s Chippery).  NO.  I don’t want to choose between semi sweet and milk chocolate.  There is only ONE real chocolate chip cookie, people.  Please don’t make me choose what type of reconstruction I’m going to have.

Needless to say, I came home and immediately crawled into bed.  That has unfortunately been my go to lately.  PJ’s at 5pm and I’m not apologizing for it.  Sweet Trevor came and got in bed with me as I started to cry.  Then we both laughed and repeated the phrase we have said approximately 3 or 4 times since my diagnosis.  “We suck at being parents right now.”  Our kids were who knows where for a brief period of time, but the house didn’t catch on fire and everyone still had their limbs when we finally reengaged so I’m counting that as a win.

There are so many ways that God is sustaining me through this process, which I will share in time.  But I trust Him implicitly, and know that He will provide whatever I need each day.  I was able to connect with Jennifer’s trial nurse, Nancy, today, as well as her oncologist, Dr. Osborne.  It was so good for my soul to hear their voices, but it also brought back memories of a sad time not too long ago.  Both had the sweetest and most encouraging things to say, but one thing Nancy said that has stuck with me all day is this…”Jennifer’s story does not have to be your story.”

And that got me thinking.

Everyone who travels this road (or ANY road) has their own unique story.  And that is something that I find very comforting.  I found myself singing Blessed Assurance today in the car.  (Well truth be told, I didn’t know it was Blessed Assurance until I could sing my way through to the chorus.  I was in great anticipation to find out which hymn it was even though I was raised a southern Baptist and should have TOTALLY known.)  The actual words that came to mind first and resonated with my heart were “This is my story,  This is my song.  Praising my savior, all the day long.”   We all have a story.  And it doesn’t really matter what it is, it matters what we do with it.  And I am committed to praising Him through mine.

Much love to you all and THANK YOU for praying,

Jamie

6 thoughts on “Reality Is Sinking In…

  1. Oh my gosh, EVERY entry makes me cry. Every part of that was beautiful. Love that it’s ok to suck as parents and the grace u have given yourself. Love that god has given you, each, of us a story that is unique. And LOVE that you can rejoice in the midst of these circumstances. Love u.

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  2. I love you Jamie! I well remember when I was told I had malignant colon cancer. I thought my life was over. Your dad, my brother Phil was right there encouraging me and was a great comfort. A positive outlook and complete trust in our Gracious God gave me strength as it will you. Every case is different like you were told. Just trust and have faith that God’s plan for you will be the best. You will be prayed for everyday and on several prayer lists in Arkansas. Be strong and know how much everyone loves you…and especially God.
    I love yo,
    Sis

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  3. My heart hurts for you “Little” Jamie. My prayers are with you and your family every day!
    You are a strong lady and with the help of your family and friends you will win this battle.
    May God bless you and keep you safe.
    Rick

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  4. Praying!
    “I am an overcomer who inherits all things; the Lord is my God and I am His child.”
    -Revelation 21:7
    Xoxo

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  5. Jamie your Dad sent me the news about what you are facing to first follow your blog of how this all plays out and to request my prayers for you daily. I’m not sure you remember me but I came to the hospital a few months back to visit Dr Phil when he was admitted rather quickly. The Lord placed your Dad in my life several years ago when I needed a hip replaced and also your Mother when I had some still unexplainable personal problems. Let me assure you this was no accident our meeting. I lost my Dad at age 59 and have found comfort in the wisdom your Dad has given me at times I would have gone to my Dad. I know you know your Dad is a very exceptional God loving and God fearing man with all the earthly wisdom you will need to get thru this God known trial. I to have had cancer and had to have my thyroid removed several years ago. What a shock !! I wasn’t even at the doctors office for a thyroid exam. I can remember sitting in the car for over half an hour crying and wondering all the thoughts of what it means to die. It took me another half hour to try and figure out how I was going to tell my wife she was going to become a widow soon. I finally picked up the phone and made the call and after we both cried together we came to the conclusion we really had no say in what the Lord would do with me but did agree to accept what ever his plan was. After many years of trying to figure out just what and why the Lord does the things he does the way he does and always in HIS TIME I finally have come to this conclusion. All the Lord wants from any of us is to be a “willing participant”. In the end and when you look back on all that is fixing to happen this may not be about Jamie at all. It may be that the Lord is fixing to use you for the good of someone either you know or just someone looking on. Either way think of it this way how lucky are you that he has given you his full attention and made you the “SPECIAL ONE CHOSEN”. I will be honored to keep you in my daily prayers knowing the Lord will do with you what he needs to do to bring honor and glory to him and him alone. I’ll be watching the blog please put me on the list.

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