The Breast Case Scenario

Normal is Underrated

Published on July 20, 2017July 20, 2017 by Jamie Kraus12 Comments

First of all, I never thought ‘normal’ could feel SO GOOD. For the past 2 weeks or so I have felt like a normal person, acted like a normal person and actually looked like a normal person. It has been FABULOUS. My oncologist allowed me to postpone my chemo start date until after our family takes a vacation, which has afforded me extra time to heal from all of my surgeries. It’s incredibly thrilling to not be on any type of medication but also to not wake up worried about how I am going to feel each day. Thank you, Lord, for this gift of time!!!!

Feeling good has allowed me to do so many things that I have missed doing the past few months. I was able to experience my middle son’s baseball World Series, where his team ended in 2nd place with a final score of 14-13. It was an exciting series and I absolutely love watching him play.

Please note the pink laces are still on his shoes (insert lots of heart emojis here).

Jennifer’s mom, Jane, was able to join us for the final game and it was so fun to experience her signature “sports clap” during Hunter’s game. Jane never missed one of Jen’s basketball games in high school, and you’d always know she was there because of that enthusiastic clap. Thanks for being there, Jane!! You too, mom!

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Not only did I get to watch baseball, but I also got to reunite with my oldest son who returned from 2 weeks at Kanukuk the following weekend! Two weeks away seemed like an eternity to me, and he looked like he had aged 5 years when I saw him. I’m so thankful for my friend, Catherine, who offered to bring him home for me so I didn’t have to do the 16 hour round trip drive. GOD BLESS MY FRIENDS.

My two oldest kids are not the most talkative kids in the world, but Hudson talked my ear off for 2 straight hours after he got home from camp. I soaked up every single minute knowing as soon as he got sucked back into social media I might not have another conversation like that with him until he’s 25.

On Monday, I went to Dr. Potter’s office for a follow up visit from my latest surgery. I actually forgot I had the appointment until the night before, so I didn’t plan ahead on having anyone accompany me. The day of, I texted my friend Casey and asked her if she would like to join me. That way we could catch up and I could check yet one more doctor’s appointment off the list. Efficiency makes my heart sing. My appointment went well and apparently everything is healing nicely. So nicely, in fact, that I received another inflation. Hello, what?! Thank goodness, these are old hat by now and I was unfazed. The same could not be said for poor Casey. (I’m so sorry you had to witness that bizarre exercise, my friend.)

Then Tuesday rolled around and my friend, Melanie, came in town to drop off her daughter at SMU soccer camp. Thank goodness she didn’t want to go back to San Antonio for the week, so she stayed with me and we’ve had a blast this week. It was somewhat of an unconventional visit in that we skipped many meals, drove back and forth to SMU, branched off and visited other friends, and shopped at Northpark. I believe we’ve never done any of these things on our previous visits together, but it proves that friendships over 20 years don’t need traditional entertainment to qualify as a success.

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On this day, we actually had lunch with our friend, Sheaffer, and my sister Jennifer. It might have been the only time in 72 hours Mel and I weren’t in our workout clothes, pjs or robes. Let’s just say that laughter truly is the BEST medicine, and these girls know just the right dosage.

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The Lord truly has provided me with so many amazing people in my life, and for that I am eternally grateful. Being with friends makes my heart so happy, and helps make the road ahead less scary.

Speaking of friends, Trevor and I had the opportunity this week to visit with our friend Kay who is battling stage 4 double hit lymphoma. Kay currently lives in Arizona, but was in town for a few days visiting her family, so we took advantage. Trevor and Kay went to high school together (along with her husband, Brandon), and she and I have bonded recently over, well, cancer. Blah. This gal is a FIGHTER and such an inspiration to me. We were able to sit on the couch and talk about life, treatments, God and hope. It was such a special time for me, even amidst intermittent tears, and I literally could not be more grateful for her presence in my life.

I have approximately 12 days before starting my chemotherapy journey, and I am looking forward to spending those with my family in the mountains. I pray that the strength I get from the Lord and from all of these beautiful people in my life will continue to carry me. And even though I have no idea what to expect in the future, I feel as if my spirit is being renewed daily. And for now, that is all I need. Thank you for praying, for caring and for loving me so well.

Until next time…much love to you all & make every day count,

Jamie

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10

MD Anderson Update

Published on July 12, 2017July 13, 2017 by Jamie Kraus18 Comments

Today was the day. My highly anticipated visit to MD Anderson for a second opinion. I woke up at 4am this morning in preparation for my 6am flight to Houston only to find this text message on my phone.

Please note the time this message was sent by Southwest Airlines (2:42am). I’m sure all the bats, opossums and raccoons were able to reschedule their flights while I slept through this text.

Knowing that my MDA appointment was at 8:30am, Trevor and I scrambled to figure out an alternate plan. Houston, by car and without traffic, is approximately 4 hours away from Dallas. In desperation, we were about to load up in the car when thankfully we received another text saying we were rescheduled on the 6:30am flight. My sweet dad was already at our house and was prepared to either jump in the car or head to the airport with us. I breathed a huge sigh of relief that it ended up being the latter of these two options. Trevor has a tendency to view speed limit signs as mere ‘suggestions’, so my stress level would have been elevated had we headed out on the highway under those conditions.

Our flight arrived a few minutes late to Houston where my precious friend Molly met and picked us up. Contrary to my statement yesterday, Molly was TOTALLY punctual. It turns out the only one on ‘Watson time’ was Southwest Airlines. Mol jumped out of the car and let Trevor take the wheel knowing we were in a hurry to make it to the hospital on time. Trev had the app, Waze, already cued up and pulled away from the curb before my dad even made it in the car. Or so it seemed.

Within what seemed like minutes (and miraculously with no speeding ticket), we pulled up to the massive MD Anderson complex.

Upon arrival, my dad, Molly, Trevor and I were met by the nicest volunteer who escorted us to the exact location of my appointment. We checked in and were seen soon thereafter by the nurse. Everything moved very quickly with military like precision, and I was very impressed. After the nurse left the room, however, we waited and waited and waited for the physician. Thank goodness Molly is a good entertainer and was the only one in the room that had actually gotten a decent night’s sleep. She was able to keep the conversation ball rolling while the rest of us fought our yawns. We even managed to get some pics during our down time.

Yes, we had LOTS of down time.

The physician finally came in the room and proceeded to go over my case. I was thrilled to hear that her thought process was exactly like Dr. O’Shaughnessy’s. She confirmed the diagnosis of Invasive Ductile Carcinoma (those words still make me cringe), while also stressing this is a very treatable type of cancer. She also mentioned that the pathologists at MDA found lymphovascular invasion of the cancer cells as well (not to be confused with lymph nodes). This was a little unsettling to me, but she explained that some cells had made their way into the vessels stopping short of reaching my actual lymph nodes. To which I say, THANK GOD. This doesn’t change anything we are doing, but just adds a little more information to the equation. Based on everything she reviewed, she could go either way on recommending chemo at this point. There is evidence to support that chemotherapy might improve my percentage of not having a recurrence, albeit only by a few small points. So one would have to weigh whether it was worth going through the process of chemo just to gain 2-3 percentage points. (To which I say, yes, yes it is.) In the end, she recommended I do what would give me the most peace of mind at the end of all of this. And as much as I dislike the prospect of chemo, it is most definitely the treatment plan that will give me the feeling that I have done everything I could possibly do to beat this unwelcome interruption in my life.

I am grateful for the confirmation and clear direction the Lord allowed from this visit. Many of you prayed for me today to receive just that. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Trevor, my dad and I hopped on the next plane back to Dallas after my appointment was over…

…and once we got home I changed into my pajamas faster than Trevor drove on Interstate 610 today.

These appointments are emotionally exhausting. There is always something new to process, and I’ve learned it takes me at least 24 hours to recover. So please pardon me if this post doesn’t even make sense or if there are lots of typos. I just wanted to update you as quickly as possible because so many have reached out to find out how it went.

I also want to thank my mom who held down the fort here while we were gone. She was able to take Hunter to his baseball game today, where his team had another victory.

And because of that, I get to go tomorrow to cheer on #8 and the rest of the Tigers as they advance in the World Series!!

Hopefully pajamas are acceptable attire.

Until next time…much love to you all & make every day count,

Jamie

PS: Thanks to Marla for taking care of Hayes today and to Catherine for picking up Hudson at camp for me!! And thank you MOLLY for sacrificing your day to be with me! I literally could not do this without the help of my friends and family!!

Niplash

Published on July 11, 2017July 11, 2017 by Jamie Kraus7 Comments

Good evening, friends. Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support following my recent surgery on July 6th. And by support, I mean texts with the following pics saying ‘I’m thinking of you’:

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I’ll never be able to walk through the candy aisle at Walgreens again without being reminded of this glorious season of my life.

The surgery itself was a huge success in that it was fast, I was in zero pain afterwards, and had no negative side effects from the anesthesia. PRAISE GOD!! The only benefit of multiple surgeries is that due to trial and error, we were finally able to successfully customize my anesthesia cocktail. Think NikeID but with Propofol. That, plus the Fast Pass actually worked! I didn’t even sit down in the waiting room because they took me back to my room immediately upon check in. One might say it was SO fast that I almost got ‘niplash’. I feel like as far as hospital visits go, this one will end up in the W column. My family, along with Kim and Amy, were able to come support me, for which I am so grateful.

The past few days have been a little crazy. I’ve been accompanying my friend Stephanie to her doctor’s appointments, and at last count we were up to 6 appointments in 3 business days. Efficiency is our strong suit. To those not in the cancer world, I realize that sounds like overkill. But when you are choosing a physician to remove cancer from your body (surgical oncologist), as well as choosing a physician to reconstruct your body (plastic surgeon), doing your homework is of utmost importance. With each appointment, we learned something new and valuable. I’m pretty sure at this point I know just enough to diagnose someone, but not enough to qualify as a bonafide oncologist. At one of Stephanie’s appointments with my surgical oncologist, the nurses even asked if I wanted to go ahead and be seen for a follow up since I was already there. Well, yes I do thank you very much. Are you gathering about now how incredibly bizarre this whole thing is? Steph and I are big fans of the Buy One, Get One Free concept, but not necessarily in this scenario. Later, Stephanie even joked that when we she visited my plastic surgeon’s office, she would just tell him to forget his whole spiel and she would simply say, ‘I’ll have what she’s having.’

I love my friends.

(I did want to note that Stephanie and I have been spending so much time together that literally we are starting to dress alike. #offtheshouldernavyandwhitechecksforthewin)

Tomorrow, Trevor, my dad and I are heading to MD Anderson in Houston for a second opinion. My friend, Molly Watson, will pick us up at the airport and act as our tour guide for the day. Molly, bless her heart, has a reputation for being fashionably late. Everywhere.We.Go. When I told my ever so punctual husband that Molly was responsible for getting us to my 8:30am appointment, my middle son Hunter (who overheard us) said, ‘Is she going to be on Watson time?’. She’s so fashionably late that we’ve even coined that term just for her. I’ve stressed to Molly that we don’t have to be fashionable tomorrow and that on time is actually late, so I feel confident she will pull through and we won’t be a minute over 8:31!! Love you, Mol, and cannot WAIT to see you!

My prayer for tomorrow’s appointment is that other expert eyes will review my entire case history and concur with Dr. O’Shaughnessy regarding the upcoming 4 rounds of chemotherapy. Dr. O was a fan of me getting a second opinion and I love her even more for that. I’m hopeful that the MD Anderson physicians won’t recommend more comprehensive treatment, but am open to hearing what they have to say nonetheless. Thank you for praying along with me for the wisdom and discernment of these physicians.

As for cold caps, you guys are a wealth of knowledge. Thank you so much. You’ve shared so many success stories, and I am optimistic that it might actually work to some degree. And while I’m amazed by this process, I’m still completely overwhelmed by all it entails. Having a frozen apparatus on my head for 7-8 hours might be the second item I’d put on my ‘Things I Never Want To Do’ list. And if the first wasn’t ‘Go Bald’, I might punt the whole idea. But I’m going to give it a try and hope for good results. Even though Jen and a host full of my friends (Kay, Lezley, Sterling, Sheila, Laura, etc.) have pulled off the bald look beautifully, I’m not sure I share their astounding courage and bravery. Either way, I know I’ll be fine. But I’m willing to freeze my follicles and see what happens! (A huge thanks to Natalie for walking me through this process!!)

Lastly, per my request, Dr. O is willing to let me start chemo after I get home from our family vacation. I’m so thankful for so many reasons. Since my diagnosis, I have felt tethered to my house. With so many appointments, tests, surgeries & scans, my schedule has not been my own. And that constitutes a claustrophobic feeling. I have missed so many of my son’s baseball games this season, which makes me sad. I love watching my kids’ games and since I have all boys, that’s how I spend most of my free time. Thankfully, I have been able to see his last two games and am cheering on the Dallas Tigers during the World Series this week (especially #8)!

After baseball season concludes, our family will be heading out of town for a much needed vacation. Something tells me I won’t be taking this one for granted.

My chemo start date will be August 1st and I will have it every 3 weeks until October 3rd (which, in keeping with my special occasion theme, will be 2 days after my middle son turns 15 and one day after my oldest son turns 16 #happybirthday #irishtwins). You can’t make this stuff up.

The Lord continues to provide peace, encouragement and guidance throughout this process. He gives me just enough distraction to not dwell on little aches and pains along the way. And He shows me love through YOU. Each and every day. Thank you for caring for me and my family. We feel so humbled and blessed.

Until next time…much love to you all & make every day count,

Jamie

PS: “In every thing give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” I Thessalonians 5:18

Another holiday, Another surgery

Published on July 5, 2017 by Jamie Kraus19 Comments

All of my cancer related ‘events’ keep falling right around holidays or special occasions, and this one is no different. HAPPY 4th of JULY. Tomorrow I will be having my self entitled ‘nipplectomy’, and I guess you could say that even nips deserve the same freedom we’ve all been privileged enough to receive. #setthemfree #GodBlessAmerica.

I wish so badly you could read the group text I share with my friends, because there’s everything from ‘Peace Out, Nips’ to ‘Nip, Nip Hooray’ on there. My people are way too serious.

Ashley took me to have blood work done on Monday (because cancer never sleeps). While I was there, however, the hospital employee said I could pre-register making everything move faster on the day of surgery. Ummmm…is that a good thing? After filling out my paperwork, the lady behind the desk actually handed me a VIP Speed Pass card. To which Ash and I deemed akin to the FAST PASS you receive at Disneyland. So, I’m totally pumped that I’ll be first in line at Splash Mountain tomorrow. Or something like that.

The past few days have been busy for us, and that’s a good thing. I’ve learned that being busy keeps my mind off of the next few months I have in store. Monday night, we joined my friend Casey and her family for dinner and early fireworks (I forgot to get a pic and I know Casey is THRILLED about that). Then Tuesday (the 4th), we went to my friend Amy’s house to enjoy some amazing food and hang with her family. Jennifer‘s mom, Jane, joined us which was so much fun. Amy and I met on the first day of first grade at FBA and have been friends ever since. When Jen enrolled at our school in 6th grade, we had the privilege of getting to know Jane as well and have loved her for well over 30 years!

(We didn’t plan on red, white and blue, but I know Jen would have loved our coordinated holiday outfits!)

Today, however, after the holiday and time spent with friends was over, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I guess there’s a part of me that still hopes I’ll wake up one day and realize this cancer thing was all a dream. A very bad dream. I don’t allow myself to dwell there, but I would be lying if I said those feelings don’t happen. I quickly grabbed my Bible and Jesus Calling book, however, and was reminded again of how much my Savior loves me and how much he is in control. Jesus Calling said, ‘You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control.’ It was accompanied by Psalms 56:3, which says, ‘When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.’ So I recommitted my trust to and in the Lord, which is rapidly becoming a necessary part of my daily routine. The Lord is good and he IS trustworthy. But man, this is hard.

After my devotion and a shower, I went with my friend Stephanie to her oncology appointment (because that’s what any logical person who is sad about cancer does, right?!). I still have to pause as I type that because it feels so surreal. No one deserves to have this nasty disease, least of all the people I dearly love. But here we are. Living out what I’m sure will be a poorly rated, dramatic Lifetime movie someday. And even though it STINKS to have cancer, it stinks just a little less to have it together.

Stephanie and I made the most of our visit, but walking into a cancer hospital is something I really never want to get used to. From the outside, I’m sure we look like normal 40 something moms. But inside, we are terrified of what cancer is capable of. Thank God (literally) we have a relationship with someone more powerful than cancer. #that’sJesusifyouaren’tfollowing

This season of life for me is almost too bizarre for words. If I stop and think about it for too long, I get overwhelmed. So I’m trying to take it day by day and set my stress, expectations, planning and fear FREE. Just like the nips will be tomorrow.

Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, food, cards, gifts, prayers, etc. I COULD NOT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU!

Until next time…much love to you all & make every day count,

Jamie

PS: Tomorrow’s surgery is a day surgery and should only last approximately one hour. I would appreciate specific prayers that neither the anesthesia nor the pain meds make me nauseous. And also that my friends will have something else to discuss via text after this is all over. #snipthenips #nonipsisgoodnips

“In God, whose word I praise – in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Psalm 56:4

Update on Chemo Plan

Published on June 30, 2017 by Jamie Kraus23 Comments

So…I went to see Dr. O’Shaughnessy (oncologist) yesterday and learned all about my chemo regime. She is recommending 4 treatments, 3 weeks apart (start date TBD). And even though my head understands that this is very doable and not too intense, my heart hasn’t caught up yet. There is something very scary about the word ‘chemo’. As well there should be. I’m basically about to fill my body with poison on purpose. That just doesn’t seem right. But what’s also not right is the potential that there could still be some rogue cells running around in my body that need to be killed. I’ll take being uneasy, uncomfortable and emotional over allowing the bad guys to win.

My physician mentioned that there were a few factors that helped her decide on chemotherapy. Apparently there is a link between melanoma and breast cancer, and wouldn’t you know I had a melanoma last year on my left arm (near my shoulder). I say this not to scare those of you who have had melanoma. There are probably thousands and thousands of people with melanoma that never develop breast cancer. It’s just a piece of the puzzle that factored into her decision. In addition, my surgical oncologist (Dr. Grant) believed that my margins were clear enough to leave the ‘top girls’ intact during my mastectomy. When the path report came back, however, there were microscopic cells still in the nips (as you know if you’ve been following along). Lastly, my Oncotype score as I mentioned yesterday, was in the grey zone of whether or not to do chemo. Those three factors coupled with her ‘gut’ helped Dr. O arrive at her conclusion that chemo was the smartest treatment safeguard for me at this juncture. I will still run everything by the folks at MD Anderson on July 12th, but I do agree that it’s better to be safe than sorry.

AND that no nips is good nips.

As I mentioned before, Kim is in town from Boston and we are trying to make the most of this crazy visit. Typically when she comes to Dallas, we have lots of fun things planned with our collective 7 boys (please gasp), and we laugh the entire time. This time, however, we have absolutely nothing planned, and we have still laughed the entire time.

Except when we are crying.

Kim and I met at Texas A&M (Whoop! That’s for you, Leah) many moons ago and have basically talked on the phone every single day since. She’s my rock and I would not ever want to do life without her.

Trevor and I have also won Kim over to the dark side of not supervising your children and she’s hooked. So these guys have been banned to the outdoors for a few days while we sit in the air conditioning and analyze life.

Today, Kim and I spent the day together researching these things called “cold caps” to wear during chemo in hopes of preserving your hair. Although this process is quite tedious, I’m going to give it a try. It’s a bizarre undertaking of basically freezing a swim cap and then adding a helmet on top to secure it as closely to your scalp as possible. All of this is done only on the day you have chemo, but you wear it before, during and after the treatment (read: hours upon hours). And according to the picture on the front page of their website, you are able to run through a field of tall grass carrying an extra long scarf with your gorgeous thick hair flowing in the wind after you are finished with treatment.

SIGN.ME.UP.

I sent this pic to Ashley to tell her I was practicing for my upcoming cold cap days…

And she one upped me with this reply…

There’s a reason I can’t ever stay sad around here.

Thank you so very much for all of your care and concern along the way. My love language must be encouragement because I am FILLED UP each time I read a comment, a text or a letter from you. It’s life-giving in every sense of the word.

And thank you, mom & Casey, for getting Hudson ready to leave for 2 weeks at camp! My distracted mind almost forgot he was going, so I appreciate you gathering the essentials today. If it were left up to me, he would have missed the bus entirely or gotten on with only one pair of underwear. I can’t decide which is worse.

In closing, the Lord continues to provide me daily with peace, comfort, and an overwhelming sense of love. This does not erase the fact, however, that I don’t understand ANY PART OF THIS. Or hate it. Or have a broken heart. But I trust in him enough to know that this is part of his plan. And that above all, his plan is the very best plan. Period.

Until next time…much love to you all & make every day count,

Jamie

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

PS: I’ve had several people ask me about my ‘carried’ necklace you see pictured above. My precious friend, Sheaffer, sent that to me shortly after I was diagnosed and I think I haven’t taken it off since. I received it the very day I had written in my blog about feeling ‘carried’ by all of your prayers. THE VERY DAY. Like, there’s no way she knew I was going to describe the way I felt that day. #chills So thank you guys for carrying me, and thank you, Sheaffer, for the beautiful reminder each day that I am carried. I bet my neighbor who confronted me about not using a leash wished I had ‘carried’ Dodger on my walk as well. 😉

One Shade of Grey

Published on June 28, 2017June 29, 2017 by Jamie Kraus9 Comments

Well, I finally got the news I’ve been waiting for today (from my Oncotype test) and it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. In one of my last posts, I asked you all to pray for a score lower than 20 so that I wouldn’t have to do chemotherapy. And you were so sweet to leave tons of comments like ‘Praying for under 20!’ and ‘Lord please let the score be less than 20!’. As Dr. O’ Shaughnessy (oncologist) explained to me at my last visit, a score of 18 and below would mean no chemo. And a score of 20 and above would indicate chemo. I’ve always been slightly complicated, so I wasn’t too surprised when my score came back as this…

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In hindsight, I should have been a little more specific on my prayer request.

NINETEEN. Seriously?! I believe that puts me in the GREYest of GREY areas. However, with cancer, grey may as well be black. Because who’s going to gamble with 1 point? NOT ME.

I will meet with Dr. O’ Shaughnessy tomorrow morning to go over the details, but her nurse told me that due to my young age, Dr. O was going to recommend chemo. I’m not gonna lie, the news hit me really hard. Like cry for hours hard. I mentioned this earlier, but cancer has a funny way of humbling you at every turn. Just when you think you’re gaining momentum, you get knocked down again. It’s maddening.

The good news is the Lord TRULY (and I mean in every sense of the word) has gone before me (Deuteronomy 31:8) and paved the way so beautifully with so many details even in times like this. For instance, my best friend from Boston, Kim, had already planned on being in town this week and was with me ALL day to process. Normally we spend an hour or two on the phone each morning analyzing life, but having the GIFT of processing together face to face was priceless. Never mind that we took our SEVEN, yes SEVEN, boys to Jump Street during all of this, and that our processing took place at a picnic table in the party room.

Cause I can think of no better place than the party room at a trampoline park to cry it out about chemo.

Another way the Lord went before me was that I had the opportunity, through FRAMILY (friends who are like family), to connect with MD Anderson a few weeks ago and make an appointment for a second opinion. It seemed like overkill at the time because my situation felt pretty simple in cancer terms. But I was so grateful for the connection and felt the Lord prompting my heart to continue down that path. A few days prior to making the appointment, I had a conversation with my friend, Kay, who is battling lymphoma like a BOSS. She asked me if I was going to get a second opinion and I was a little speechless. I told her that I ALWAYS recommend a second opinion to anyone with cancer, but oddly hadn’t even considered it for myself. Thus, the reason for my follow through and for my upcoming summer vacation in Houston. The Holy Spirit is good like that.

My thought in securing an appointment with MDA early on was that if my Oncotype score was low and chemo was not recommended, I would love to hear that twice. But if the score was high and chemo was recommended, I wanted someone else to lay eyes on my case and concur. I’m a bit paranoid because the list of those close to me who have been diagnosed with cancer is growing rapidly (more on that later). All that said, I am beyond grateful that my appointment with MDA is scheduled for July 12th, which is only 2 weeks away. They even called me today to let me know that all of my scans, labs, etc. had already arrived and my case file was 146 pages long. I don’t know whether to be nervous or happy about that. But I do know I’m thrilled that I’m not scrambling now to make that appointment, and feel confident that the Lord set all of that in motion before I even knew I needed it.

Emotionally, chemo is a tough pill to swallow. I told my friend Alyson that because Jen didn’t have a double mastectomy, there haven’t been too many memories of her journey associated with my recent surgery and recovery. But undergoing chemo will most assuredly usher in so many of those as I’ve sat in that treatment room with her at Baylor 1000 times. But I keep reminding myself that the same God who orchestrated friends in town and MD Anderson appointments is the same God who will walk every step of the way with me down this unknown path.

In other news, I went in for my second inflation on Monday, the 26th, and it was so much better than the first. Dr. Potter’s (plastic surgeon) office provides these beautiful thick waffle robes for their patients, so I just closed my eyes this time and pretended I was lying on a massage table by the beach instead of being blown up like a balloon for a five year old’s birthday party. This is when I’m so thankful for such a vivid imagination. The only negative from the appointment was that every where I looked that day I saw things like this:

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And this:

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Not kidding.

This is about the time in my post when I feel compelled to apologize to all of the sweet men who are following my journey. I am so sorry, but I’ve always been a bit unfiltered.

With all of the humor I have about such a dreaded disease, however, there are times when my heart is literally broken. And one such time happened almost 2 weeks ago on June 16th. It was my dear friend, Stephanie’s, birthday. Remember the beautiful birthday party I had the day before my mastectomy when my friends prayed for me? Stephanie hosted that party. She’s the beauty on the front row in BLUE right beside me:

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(Catherine, Stephanie, Courtney, me & Casey; AKA “Five Blondes that Walked into a Plastic Surgeon’s Office”)

Stephanie is one of the first friends I met when I moved to Dallas in 2010, and I’ll never forget something she said after we got to know one another a few weeks later. She and I were standing on the Hyer playground and she said, ‘I think you are my speed’ (referring to how we raise our kids and live our lives). And if I didn’t say it out loud, I was thinking ‘well, if you are a sloth then I think we are good.’ And we have been slothing together ever since.

Stephanie found out on her birthday (while Casey and I just happened to be at her house with her) that she has breast cancer. I’m sorry, but WHAT DID YOU SAY?! How is it even possible that I have another close friend inducted into this club? Thank the Lord Stephanie’s prognosis is good, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the memories of caring for a friend with cancer are all too vivid and painful. Her diagnosis brought back a FLOOD of emotions, and I’m still perplexed that we are here.

I love my friend with all of my heart and am struggling to make sense of this. But thankfully, we’ve already been able to laugh through tears and recognize the sweetness of traveling this road together. Even if it is at a sloth’s pace.

I would appreciate your prayers for my appointment tomorrow, as well as my upcoming surgery on July 6th (removal of the nips – sorry again, men). I will update tomorrow if I learn anything new about chemo, but for now I just ask (BEG) you to continue encouraging me with your sweet cards, calls, prayers, texts and visits. They literally FEED MY SOUL.

Until next time…much love to you all & make every day count,

Jamie

PS: I was on a walk with my dog this morning and was confronted by a lady for not having Dodger on a leash. Admittedly, I should have. But I blurted out before thinking, ‘I’m sorry but I just had a double mastectomy due to breast cancer, and I cannot have my 55 pound Labradoodle pulling on me right now.’ She literally took 3 steps back and said, ‘I shouldn’t have said that.’ I assured her it was okay and that yes I should have my dog on a leash, but that I needed a little extra grace today. To which she said, ‘of course.’ So to you, nice lady just trying to follow the rules, I sincerely apologize and I hope I didn’t send you into what Jen used to call a SHAME SPIRAL.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

We Just Want to Pump, You Up!

Published on June 19, 2017June 19, 2017 by Jamie Kraus13 Comments

Well, I’m ~~elated~~ inflated. The first ‘expansion’ is over and wow, what a process. My friend, Jenny, sent this today in honor of the occasion.

Today I went with Ashley, Jennifer and my mom to Dr. Potter’s office for an 11:15 appointment. (And for all of those wondering…yes, Ashley drove and I’m so happy my büber driver is back.)

(Jennifer, mom, me & Ashley yesterday. Today, humidity prevailed.)

First of all, let me just say that the entire process of breast reconstruction is SO BIZARRE. The best way to explain what I had done today is for you to watch this 30 second G rated video. (You can thank my friend, Kim V, later. HYSTERICAL)

Anyway, we went to Dr. Potter’s office and ended up meeting some nice, new friends in the waiting room. My sisters and I had just commented that it’s so weird to sit in a plastic surgeon’s waiting room (in Dallas of all places) and wonder what everyone is there for. It is quite possibly the best people watching I’ve ever experienced.

And I’ve been to the mall in Killeen.

However, after meeting our new friends, whom I would have NEVER guessed were there because of cancer, I realized I can’t assume why anyone is sitting in that waiting room. One of these girls had more energy than my sisters and I combined, and the other was so young and beautiful. You really just never know what the people next to you are going through. Jen used to always say Cancer Doesn’t Discriminate. And today reminded me of that truth.

While we were waiting for our names to be called, our new friends ended up swapping beauty tips with us (remedies for hair growth, lash boost, etc). And before you roll your eyes with judgement, these products take on a whole new meaning when touted by those who have lost their hair and eyelashes to chemo. Later, Ashley told me they asked for my name so they could put me on their prayer list. Someone please hand me the kleenex. Now that I have theirs as well, I will do the same (‘Jennifer & Christie’ in case you have a list too). I was so struck by how quickly I felt connected to these women if even for a brief moment. Cancer is funny like that. It acts as a magnet that forcibly pulls people together whose lives have been affected by it.

Before we met Jennifer & Christie, I started tearing up in the waiting room. I was distracted this past weekend with Father’s Day and my sweet dad’s 80th birthday, so this was the first time I’d really given this “fill up” any thought. How does it work? Does it hurt? Why did they suggest I take a muscle relaxer? Ashley is good at shutting down my tears and began searching YouTube for how the process works. Once we saw the process, all of my fears were allayed and I felt much better. Ash and YouTube for the win.

Once in the exam room, I asked how many times I would be getting inflations over the course of this reconstruction. The PA said approximately 3-4 times. Then she began the process. She simply located the expander they placed during surgery with a special device. Then she inserted a butterfly (tiny) needle which has a small tube connected to it. Lastly, she injected a small amount of saline into the tube. I started flinching when it got tight, and thankfully she said she would stop. Then she repeated the same steps for the other side. I was mesmerized by the entire experiment, and could not believe how quickly I went from 12 years old to Dolly Parton.

(The Growing Up Skipper Doll)

My sisters quickly asked if they could be next.

After all was said and done, the PA said ‘Well, maybe you’ll only need 1 or 2 more expansions instead of 3 or 4.’ I have no idea where she got that idea.

Upon leaving the office, the conversation went something like this:

Me: Well, that’s one down! Jennifer: Or Two down! Mom: Or Two Up!

And that’s why I love my family. Especially when we aren’t wrinkly.

Now I’m back at home in bed resting in PJ’s awaiting my muscle relaxer to kick in. I could not be more thrilled that the first of these inflations is over.

Thank you for your prayers, texts and concern. Please keep them coming. I should receive my results from the Oncotype test this week (which will determine my likelihood of having chemo) and I will keep you posted on that as well.

Until next time…much love to you all & make every day count,

Jamie

PS: I purchased a heavy duty air pump for Trevor as a Father’s Day Gift to fill up our pool floats, bikes and gazillion basketballs. NOT EVEN THINKING. Something tells me in light of this whole process, he may be tempted to use it for purposes not included in the manual.

Pending Warrior Status

Published on June 15, 2017June 20, 2017 by Jamie Kraus5 Comments

The NBC hit show, ‘America Ninja Warrior‘ is all about conquering one difficult challenge at a time as contestants navigate an insanely rigorous obstacle course. It always amazes me that after the participants do something like this…

they have to do something like this…

then this…

I don’t know about you, but I can think of about 1,000,000 other things I’d rather be doing. Like this…

Or even this (minus the peacock blanket)…

The point being, it’s hard enough to get over one huge hurdle. But then to realize there’s another one right in front of you, then another, then another, calls your endurance into question. There’s a reason these people are called WARRIORS. And probably not ONE of them owns a peacock blanket.

This long obstacle course full of challenge after challenge is a tad bit what the cancer process feels like. You get through one surgery, then there’s another. One appointment, then another. And while I’m not at Warrior status just yet, I have a feeling I might qualify when all of this is said and done.

As mentioned in my previous post, Dr. Potter’s office called the other day to let me know that my nipplectomy (not an official term although it should be) was scheduled for July 6th. I originally thought (hoped) it would be much sooner, but Dr. Potter’s timing wins. And let’s face it, what would my journey be without marking special occasions and holidays with a biopsy, surgery or procedure?! #happyeaster #happyanniversary #happybirthday #happy4thofjuly

Then Tuesday afternoon, my mom, Karen, and sister, Jennifer, took me to Dr. Grant’s office for a surgical follow up visit. My mom drove us there, and the nicest thing I can say about that is she is not in jeopardy of getting pulled over for speeding anytime soon. Ashley normally drives in these situations, but because she had to pick her kids up at the same time as my appointment, Karen took the wheel (where’s Jesus when you need him?). It literally took us longer to navigate the parking garage than it did for me to have my actual appointment (I wish I was kidding). My prayer is that Ashley’s kids don’t go anywhere else the entire summer so she can resume her role of being our “büber” driver (a coined term by the Berry girls thank you very much).

Dr. Grant was so encouraging and said everything was healing nicely (yay!!). Also, he gave me some daily exercises to strengthen my muscles and to regain full range of motion. Literally my appointment took 5 minutes max from start to finish. I’m not sure Karen would would have even made it to the second level of the parking garage by then. (In her defense, however, she can deliver groceries and walk my dog like a beast. We all have our gifts. I love you, mom.)

After my appointment, I was feeling so happy. Even though every day has been very different in terms of recovering, that was a good day. And I get really excited about the good days.

The following morning, I got a call from Dr. Potter’s office telling me that my first ‘inflation’ (my term, not theirs) needed to be scheduled. FOR NEXT MONDAY. As in the day after #fathersday. What?! I thought I was in the clear at least until my nip surgery. Ugh. And even though this is a super minor ‘thing’ and a necessary part of the process, this is how it felt…

Without the range of motion.

Anyhow, when I texted Trevor to tell him about Monday’s inflation appointment, he replied with this:

And that’s why I tell people I have 4 boys, not 3.

Dr. Potter’s nurse told what to expect in terms of pain or side effects after the first expansion (I believe this is actually the technical term). She said to take Alleve and possibly a muscle relaxer as these often times cause muscle spasms. Totally not pumped about that (pardon the reverse pun). She also mentioned to plan on not driving myself. (Insert your own Karen joke here).

So, just when I thought the only thing I had to concentrate on was not injuring myself while pulling a gallon of milk from the fridge (let me just say OUCH), I’m presented with another hurdle. But I feel completely confident that with all of your continued support, encouragement and prayers, this ninja is ready!!

Until next time…much love & make every day count,

Jamie

“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14

Top 10 Things I’ve Learned So Far

Published on June 12, 2017June 20, 2017 by Jamie Kraus13 Comments

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and continued prayers. I draw strength from every single comment, and am grateful you take the time to show how much you care. It means SO VERY MUCH.

I spoke with Dr. Potter’s (plastic surgeon) office today and finally have a date for my next surgery. July 6th. I originally thought the surgery would be within a week or two after my last appointment, but I was wrong. Again. I’m learning (slowly) to let go of plans, which is a killer for this type A gal. Plans are my thing. I have a secret love affair with spreadsheets, schedules & organizing. So for me to not be able to plan is like telling a child they can’t have ice cream while standing in line at Baskin Robbins. It’s downright CRUEL.

The other day, however, I ran across this and thought it was a beautiful reminder of who is actually in control of my schedule.

Everyday when I wake up, I pray for God to reveal what it is he is working on in my life (I’ve had a lot of extra time lately). Surely if I’m going to endure a struggle like this, there’s a lesson (or ten) in it.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, my friend Bryce sent me a link to an article written by John Piper entitled, ‘Don’t Waste Your Cancer’. I highly recommend it. Not only for those going through cancer, but for anyone who is going through a difficult time or will go through a difficult time. (Ummmm, so basically ALL OF US.) The article is a good reminder that we have a choice of what to do with the hardships in our life: basically sulk or shine (my words). And since then, my prayer has become to not waste my cancer. Oh, and to shine like the Texas sun in the middle of August.

I have learned so much over the past two months. I thought I would share my top ten lessons (thus far) here so that I won’t forget them down the road. But also, so that I can pass along the wisdom I’ve gained hopefully without you having to walk the same road as I am walking.

Let Go. Of plans, of schedules, of control. I have such a false sense of being in control of my life, and each day I’m a little more embarrassed of the illusion I’ve had for so long.
Nothing is certain in this life. I’m beginning to understand how arrogant it is for me to presume things. Even a tomorrow. The people who say the phrase ‘Lord willing’ are starting to seem like the wisest souls on earth.
Focus on the big picture. All of the little details I fret about pale in comparison to God’s plan. Having a disease in my body with a reputation for killing people is no small thing. Life is worth fighting for; getting my kid into a certain class/camp/college is not. Someone remind me of this in 3 years please.
Relationships matter. We have lived in several different cities throughout our marriage and I have friends from each city who are cancer survivors and have reached out to me (I’m looking at you Haley B., Kim V. & Laura B). Couple that with the gazillion friends from my childhood, college and my adult life who have also served as angels in this process, and you realize how much relationships matter. God weaves our lives together so beautifully and investing in people is paramount. You never know when you will need one another down the road.
Be patient. Slow down, get quiet and listen to God. I’ve heard his voice so much louder lately – in part because I’ve been forced to be still, and in part because I’m desperate to know how to navigate these waters. It makes me wonder what I’ve missed all these years. These noisy years.
Be present. Soak up those brief moments when teenagers want to talk – even if it’s not convenient. Soon I won’t have mine around to keep me up until midnight (because apparently they don’t come alive until that God forsaken hour). Enjoy them while you can – no matter the hour.
Make a difference. My TEST is my testimony. What God gives me (good or bad) is my platform to share his goodness and grace. I pray that I use my story for his glory. (Is it weird that I just heard that as a rap in my head? Where’s RUN-D.M.C. when I need them?)
Ask more of my kids. I’ve realized how much I do for my kids because right now (post surgery) I can’t do anything for my kids. LITERALLY. Who knew they could actually do the dishes, set their alarms, bathe the dog and do their own laundry? (Hudson just read this over my shoulder and groaned. I may never go back to doing laundry ever again.)
Get comfortable being uncomfortable. I have definitely taken for granted how comfortable I am in life (mentally, spiritually & physically). Cancer has shoved me out of my comfort zone (mentally, spiritually & physically) and I’m learning to not be afraid of being uncomfortable. It’s okay to think differently, shift my mindset, squirm a bit. No one ever died from simply being uncomfortable.
Find the beauty in the ugly. Cancer is ugly, but there is so much beauty to be found along the way. I’m learning how to focus on the gifts that accompany the curse. Like friends who take my dog to the vet, friends who pick up my child for 6am daily workouts, friends who take my kids to camp, friends who bring me smart waters, teas and my favorite snacks, friends who feed my family with delicious meals, friends who call and text just when I need it, family who goes to appointments with me, family who takes my kids to the dentist, family who brings me groceries, family who encourages me to do just a little bit more than the day before, etc. Someone stop me as I feel a spreadsheet coming on. You know who you are and I love each of you dearly.

I realize this list is neither earth shattering nor profound. These are all things I’m pretty sure we’ve heard before or are written somewhere in books like this:

However, they have never meant as much to me as they do now. It’s like when someone gives you advice about being a parent before you have kids, then you actually have kids and everything they said suddenly makes sense. Everything is now making sense. A LOT of sense.

I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Grant (surgical oncologist) tomorrow afternoon, then should be finished with appointments for a few weeks until I get my Oncotype score (the proliferation index) back. Please continue to pray for me to be at peace with the results of that test. If they are good, you might just find me eating a polar pizza from Baskin Robbins (thanks Deanna) while creating a spreadsheet with ‘It’s Tricky‘ or ‘My Adidas‘ (Chris & Jonathan please tell me you still have that karaoke cassette tape) playing in the background.

Until next time…much love to you all & make every day count,

Jamie

PS: Just for the record, my husband is WAY hotter than Ryan Reynolds. 😉

“Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life.” Proverbs 4:13

Slumber Party, Anyone?

Published on June 9, 2017June 10, 2017 by Jamie Kraus20 Comments

Today was a banner day. I have finally turned the corner and am feeling somewhat like a human being. And it feels AMAZING. I had a much harder time dealing with the side effects of surgery (I’ll spare you the details) than I had anticipated, so today was a huge gift. Thank you so much for all of your prayers, as I truly do feel them.

In the last 17 days, I can count on ONE HAND the times I’ve gotten out of my pajamas (and maybe even my bed). And before you make the mistake of thinking that sounds like a VACATION, let me assure you it was anything but. Yes, my epic slumber party might have been filled with multiple viewings of ‘The Proposal’ and ‘Friends’ reruns, however it was also filled with extreme pain, nausea, vomiting, constipation, sleeping ONLY on my back, headaches, burning chest, sleeplessness, achy muscles, etc.

And all of that is something even Ryan Reynolds can’t fix.

On second thought…

But today. TODAY. I got up, took a bath, got dressed and even put on mascara. I didn’t even recognize myself. This is what my kids and dog did when I walked in the kitchen.

Then Trevor called and asked if I wanted to have lunch before my first appointment with the oncologist, Dr. O’ Shaughnessy, today at 3:30pm. (You might remember I’ve already seen the surgical oncologist, Dr. Grant, and the plastic surgeon, Dr. Potter prior to this, but this my first visit with the oncologist. Confused yet? Me too.) I surprised myself and everyone else when I said YES to lunch.

Trevor and I took our youngest son, Hayes, to eat and I couldn’t believe how great it felt to be out among real people. When you’ve been participating in a perpetual slumber party for the past few weeks, it feels so foreign to be in the land of the living. I didn’t even miss Rachel, Phoebe or Monica.

After lunch, we came home and met my sisters, Jennifer and Ashley, and my mom to go to my appointment. Unfortunately, my dad is still sick with a horrible cough, so he didn’t join us. We left for Baylor and arrived a WEE BIT EARLY for my appointment. I can’t help that I married a man that gets us to the airport 4 hours before take off…just in case. I started feeling a little shaky (emotionally) when we got out of the car and headed to the 4th floor of the very familiar Sammons building. I cannot count the times over the past few years that I’ve pulled into that circle drive with Jen. (But I can promise you it’s more than the times I’ve washed my hair lately.) Seriously, though, there was an odd comfort in knowing my way around, but also a real sadness in arriving without my friend to the same place that treated her so well for so long.

We got off the elevator on the 4th floor and I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. Like RIGHT THERE in that space where all of the elevators meet. It took my breath away to look at the double glass doors ahead knowing it was actually me that was about to check in as the patient. Trevor reached out and held me for a minute until I regained composure. Then I walked in to the waiting room and saw the most beautiful familiar face of Michelle, the woman who is a constant behind the desk. She looked puzzled to see me, so I explained why I was there in a very unsteady voice. She kept reassuring me that, ‘honey, we are going to do this and it’s going to be okay’. She then got up from behind the desk and walked all the way around for a huge bear hug. Well, how can a girl stay dry after that?! She whispered in my ear that ‘God is good and He is strong. He’s got this.’. And in that moment, I began to understand why the Lord had led me back to Baylor. As my friend Angela pointed out, Jennifer had forged so many relationships there and I was now the benefactor of her relational investment. How Great Thou Art. Seriously.

I filled out a mountain of paperwork as my family and I dreamed up ways to streamline that dreadful process. If only Mr. Wonderful, Robert Herjavec, Barbara Corcoran, Daymond John, Lori Greiner and Mark Cuban would have been there. Finally I was called back for my appointment. Trevor and I weren’t 5 steps in before I spotted Jennifer’s former nurse, Christina. She came over and we just gave each other that look. The one that says ‘I’m so happy to see you but I cannot even believe we are here’. We hugged and caught up while my poor nurse was trying to ask me all kinds of questions and take my blood pressure. Our timing was way off but we couldn’t help ourselves. Christina even came into the exam room while the nurse was doing her intake. And if that wasn’t enough, another sweet nurse, Elena, came in the room and said hello as well. It was like a little party and I had not even changed into my gown yet. While we were mid sentence, there was a knock at the door. And then entered Dr. O’ Shaughnessy. She was so cute about asking if she was missing something as everyone was so jovial and familiar. Christina explained the connection with Jen and Dr. Osborne (Jen’s oncologist), and I will never forget the way Dr. O’ Shaughnessy looked at me after that. She had such sincere compassion in her eyes. (She was familiar with Jen’s case as they all work together in the same practice and share case studies with one another.) I knew right then that God had answered ALL of our prayers for me to find just the right team of doctors for my journey.

After a quick physical examination, my family came in and we all got to hear the wonderful news. Dr. O (which is what I’ll call her for now although it’s weird because we also called Jen’s doctor, Dr. Osborne, ‘Dr. O’; that, and the fact that I feel very insecure every single time I type ‘Shaughnessy’ for fear of misspelling it) sat beside me and went through my full pathology report after surgery. She said over and over again how ‘favorable’ my report was and that she feels like it’s the best of the worst. Can I get an AMEN?! Then Elena (who is now MY nurse!) came in and reiterated the same great news. PRAISE THE LORD. The next step is to send off tissue samples to a lab in California for something called an Oncotype. An Oncotype is a proliferation score that tells us how quickly the cells are multiplying. If this score comes back at an 18 or under, I will simply start an estrogen blocker medication, Tamoxifen, and take that for up to 5 years. If the score is higher than 20, I will do chemo but only for 4 times (she called it chemo ‘light’ relative to all the other chemos). Then I will be done barring any recurrence. DONE. Cheers to that!

Trevor may or may not have teared up after hearing the fantastic news. Why? Because cancer is all around us. And receiving even one smidgen of positive news can bring you to tears. One of my very best childhood friends, Susan, just recently found out her husband Patrick has stage 4 glioblastoma (brain cancer). And one of Trevor’s childhood best friends, Brandon, found out his wife Kay has stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma. Another precious family I grew up with at church is coming up on the first anniversary of their daughter, Laura’s, death from breast cancer this Sunday. And of course, there’s Jen.

I realize Trevor and I aren’t unique in being touched by this horrible disease. I’m sure you all have stories that have broken your heart as well. But there is a beauty in sharing stories. A strength in numbers if you will. And to receive good news seems much much sweeter in light of all that surrounds us. Your arms feel as if they are literally wrapping around and squeezing the word gratitude. Yet simultaneously there is a deep tenderness for those who may not have good news, or may not have the ending they desired. It’s the epitome of experiencing the emotional gamut. That’s why Trevor teared up. He gets it, and so do I.

God is the reason for our joy and the comforter of our pain. He walks every step of the road with us and never ever leaves us. If there is one message I could convey throughout this journey, I pray it is that. I heard a quote one time that I have to rehearse in my head about 3 times before I ever recite it. But it is worth it. “Don’t wait until God is all you have to realize he is all you need.” Truer words were never spoken. Enjoy your good health if you are blessed with it. Love your people well every single day. And never take for granted your ability to run even the simplest of errands without asking for help (did I mention I cannot drive yet?!). It is truly a privilege and a gift.

I love you all and appreciate you following along with me. Oh, and I assure you the next time I have a slumber party devoid of headaches and nausea (but full of Ryan Reynolds), you are all invited.

Until next time…much love to you all & make every day count!

Jamie

PS: Trevor took a picture of my sisters, mom and I in the exam room that I planned on including in this post. But on the way home, Ashley looked at it and said, ‘Gosh we are really wrinkly.’ To which I replied, ‘I know, that lighting was HARSH.’ And she said, ‘I meant our clothes.’ So next time we will try to iron our ~~faces~~ shirts so I can show off my support team.